Re-entry - Chaos

So one year and four days down the road, trying to make a comeback at writing. Meanwhile, I have written a few poems and only typing i was capable of was mainly on facebook chat. So a bit rusty as it might be, this emo piece might be a kicker or a catalyst into bringing me back into the groove which I lost and became kind of helpless in writing something new. So, here goes nothing......

Eternity I have spent thinking about what could have been right and what I did wrong. Letting go of the thought was more of a savior than an option because the more I kept on thinking about it, more grew my insanity and hatred for me. No it was an cardinal sin but a mere human miscalculation but consequences would appear so grim that taking a fall for it all felt better than being discomfited to prove myself not guilty. You see, you wouldn’t look at me because you despised me, while I did my best tried not to be around you. Every sigh you made and eye-contact you avoid made perfect sense to me. But as forlorn as I might be, I hid in the shadows and did the same so you would smile again. Seeming like this would end of another dead misery I have borne, yet you’ve emerged again, using ignorance as your weapon, avoidance became unbearable yet approaching even more impractical. Dilemma and insanity brought back by you in sending mixed signals to my head. You probably wouldn’t know who I am where this was even written, but in the folds of this text lies my insanity and delusions but what I see feels really true. Because only when I tried avoiding you, you've become my reflection.

Parallel Reality

Dedicated to all the people with potential to go for greater heights:

So here he stands as the time passes by. Being precieved by many as lethargic but considered talented by some. Has a skill set, believe that he can do something with what he is capable of. It's in his blood for generations but this vivid and epic force forces him otherwise. It calls itself as the protector. It wants to protect him anyway or anyhow. This sheer power of the force, uncontrollable, sweeps him off his turf and puts him in an unknown territory. Safe indeed he is, he looks into the future and it looks bright. But what about the mindset, the skills developed overtime and before birth? Is this all about the need of safety or the want of developing potential? He stands puzzled but he would not dare to upset the force as it is the only source of protection and affection. But on the other hand, like a time bomb ticking, he understands that he has to be a force of his own as the existing one is losing it's grip. Is he ready for it? With ideas pouring out and time closing in like darkness, Is he making up excuses for failing to get the grip of what he has and making dellusions of what he can achieve? Is it worth taking a risk of what he can do, or to just dwell in what he already has? Losing his mind he panicks, lies, sweats, loses his sleep. Becomes destructive in his own territory. Must he understand that the life is not full of butterflies and rainbows or he can wait for a messiah who can make this better? Must he take a step forward into the darkness with a chance of success standing parallel to the chance of failure or just stand in the centre of the light which is fading fast? He has to make a decision, time is not his friend. Losing his mind and sinking in the darkness, he prays for hope to come to him. Blind faith, which lost against logic in his mind years ago. Even the Great Lord might think twice before sending help. As he helplessly awaits, he is petrified.

Jugaar: Pride of the Nation

It's been a while since I wrote my last blog post. For those who read, I do get emotional and high when I'm sleepy (well, more high than emotional). High enough to type the whole post on my cellular notes, copy it from my cell-phone to my pc by texting the whole thing to myself and then post it here. Life isn’t easy with a non-3G cellphone in this era of modernism. Yet I still take my pride in pulling of things with the JUGAAR factor. I know we all have our definitions of Jugaar, like this joke which introduced me to the term itself. The joke: Once an American came to Pakistan in his BMW on a road trip. Somewhere in Karachi, his car starts to trouble him, He goes to a mechanic asks him if the car can be repaired. the mechanic responds, "you need jugaar to fix this car." He did not trust the authenticity of the thing or the term itself and  moves on. Somehow, he reaches Lahore with his car and tries to get it repaired. He gets the same response from the mechanic. Then Islamabad and he hears the same word. He takes his car back to the U.S, goes to the BMW repair center. He mechanic there says that the car is dead and there's no way in hell that it could be fixed. The poor guy saddened by his loss, asks the mechanic. "Do you guys use JUGAAR over here????” He sends his car back to Pakistan, gets it fixed, drives it for another 3 days before it is done for good. Until recently I also saw a Facebook ad which read "make free calls to UK, CHINA, USA, and FRANCE. Pakistanis doing what they do best."

China takes pride in making cheap sneakers, France and French-Canadians take pride in croissant but we Pakistanis, take pride in taking and inventing shortcuts. Might be a turn off when it comes to the government and politics but free cellular calls, free web-streaming, Pirate movies, MP3 songs played on a monophonic cell-phone. Or a cheap doll singing indian songs. I don't want to go to the "dark side" of this term which includes deep crap of bribery and governmental issues because the white side itself is good enough.

Jugaar for me, works like a rubber band. It can hold stuff together before it is expanded too much and snaps. So you got to look for another rubber band. Jugaar might be using "Kunda" to steal electricity to light his street up for a late night cricket match against local rivals. Jugaar might work like a inheritance, some get it from their parents, some just make it develop it. Rest assured, almost everyone has it but of course, like freemasonary, Jugaar itself has a lot of levels, including Master Jugaaris, stuff they do is master genius, they can get jobs, they can give you jobs, they can hot-wire a Porsche. They exist in different social classes and ages groups but they all have similar charaterisitics, they won't stick around with your problem for too long because it goes against their code and like mentioned above, it's short term solution but they can get out of anything. Might it be a federal minister or a tech-savvy 6 year old!

Jugaar for me, works to an extent to which my conscience allows me. But being "reserved" has its cons, like I am waiting to get my driver's license made for months. But don't think I lack my jugaari abilities by any means, It will be proved as soon as google or others starts to pay me for what I write. I don't know I might end up putting together some Jugaar to get paid myself. I mean, putting these jugaari abilities to a better use. May be just for myself for now, and for others later but like they say, Charity begins at home.

What do I miss the most? You? Hell No! Something Bigger.....

It's been a while when I was spared by your sweet voice uttering those bitter words. Now my emotions have gone missing while your beauty caters the senses of those who were blessed to have a touch of your skin. They all said its joy, a lust, an addiction you can just never get tired of. But what would these poor souls know.

 I've been in this place before; your perfection would just mesmerize me. As if, every word you spoke was a charm of black magic taking over my mind, you would stare down a hole in my soul with your seductive gaze. Logic and science lose their existence and replaced by fantasies and delusions of perfection and one who re-defines it. Everything else becomes meaningless and objective of doing anything becomes one, to make these fantasy a reality. Your presence used to strike fear and nervousness mixed with elation and freedom in my heart. Like a walk on a tight rope with hell and heaven on either side. Every word delivered to your ears is measured in the depths of mind and simulated over and over till the perfect word you come up with is just a mere greeting. Rest is like a beautiful dream, but how can a dream come true you see, that was my ambition and as soon as you said those words, the dream lost it charm. Life became meaningless, as if millennia of hard labor and reward torn down to mere shreds, and can't blame it to you; your perfection would only make me hate myself even more.  But now you’ll ask me now if I felt so deep how I survived.

But whether I’m a coward of death or having a will to survive, I’m still breathing with my lungs which used to savor your sweet smell. But I confess that even though it’s been a few years, it seems like an eternity. But don't be mistaken my dear, my love for you is lost. You see, it wasn't you what I missed or what you do now has no effect on me. But is how you made me feel. Not you, but love itself.

Ripped off by the vendors or chewed off by Hepatitis? Pick your Poison!

Spend more and rue later, or save now, get screwed and die later?


That's the question I came up while I was eating this a Rs.35/- Chicken Biryani (Although it might be something which ate a chicken.) from a small restaurant near my University since I had only Rs. 100 which I get everyday as my stipend and my university charges around Rs. 80-95 for almost the similar quantity and almost same in the taste. Eating that biryani gave me sense of elation, that I managed to save almost double of what I would usually spend in my university but at the same time fear of eating something cooked in unprocessed animal fat and area surrounded with at least a billion flies, not to mention that my university stands right next to an industrial waste canal. Well, again I'll give you my biased thoughts on how I presume this entire situation and what was the answer I came up with.


Fortunately for me, my parents can afford me to go to a good university and give me a pocket money, still saving is something which I and my folks value a lot. But then again, My saving options are pretty limited, since I have not earned a single dime in my life, ever. Even my application to earn from this blog got turned down. All I get through out the year is from Birthdays, Religious Festivities where I get money from elders relatives and then again my monthly parental ATM which withdraws a sum of cash conveniently at the start of the month. Now given this situation of dependency, I believe my only answer to this cerebral mayhem is, Save now and party later, as long as I don't barf my lungs out.


You might say, dude ask your parents for a raise or why the *explicits* are you throwing your life away.
A lot of reasons weighs my opinion a ton in comparison to mere Kgs of being ripped off in NAVEED'S BIASED MEASUREMENT TOOL (NBMT, because making acronyms for made-up things is fun.)


Well, to be honest, It's where my semi-existant ego comes in action, so yeah, I don't like asking for money, and I'm running out of sources to my make myself some cash. So yeah, saving now is doing me a lot of favors, I can spend a good sum of cash on dinners, movies and usual hangouts from the money I save everyday and I don't have to make up excuses (not at least till the end of the month i.e). Don't mix it up with "saving it for the rainy day" just call is "saving for the party time" since the occurrence of both of rain and party have a drastic difference.  As for death, I don't earn so no one is dependent on me and I don't owe anyone anything so at least no one will be selling my tombstone for money. But yeah, maybe who knows getting some money, robbing a couple of banks or just getting a mere job might better my situation in the future and I might spend and spend more. But a screwed up budget, minor but strong ego and limited options, I declare a knockout in the 1st round with victory for Chewed off by hepatitis. Because though it might not give you a Big Bar of Snickers in the first attempt, But will give a Hershey's kiss every time.

Intelligence Gone Nuts (and Cookies)

(Contents below are is just humor and intends no harm to any government agency, any independent entity or organization,country or race.)

Recently searching on web, I would see the most amusing thing (click here to check it out).The post saying Taliban's website got hacked by MI:6. They removed home-made bomb recipe with a Home-made cake recipe! and all the bakery stuff. Talk about Sugar Rush of Doom.When Nitroglycerin is replaced with one Kilograms of flour and 3 cups of sugar, you know that the Holy House of James Bond has gone nuts. Either it must be them watching 60 hours of subliminal children oriented TV shows or must an intelligence experiment gone wrong. Imagine James Bond eating chocolate cupcake with a hot chick in a donutmobile to save the world from Russian Dudes, (Btw, I have a good feeling, that after koreans,arabs and Russian, it's a high time for Pakistan to be a part of Hollywood, at least the rear end of it.) It's just beyond logic. Humor factor is lost in the process, assuming if that was the plan, Taliban won't find it funny, neither do I but for completely different reasons, Taliban will have to go through Multiple layers of chocolate brownies to put the bomb-site back-up. But I hate it because that not how these "Agencies Roll". Well, my creative thinking might be restricted to what we see in movies but everything in not what it seems. The truth might be that, MI:6 is owned by Willy Wonka with those small people working, (must be a geeky one them I assume who put cream cake on the web instead of Hand Grenade.)! After today's antics, My hypothesis might turn into a theory. Or maybe that's what they want us to think meanwhile, they do the same stuff as they do in the movies........ WELL PLAYED MI:6, at least you got me confused.

Depression - One way to go about it

Sorrow, grief, temptation. Just one of the few things we associate with depression. Depression for me, more than just a 10 lettered word and why not, having an on and off for 5 years relationship with such state of mind. Losing hair, being sick, mood swings, planning to leave the house or even put an end to the misery by any necessary force are just a mere symptoms of what depression is.

It's like this never-ending labyrinth to which the destination leads to another. It's when all the hope is lost, having no one to look up to. Faith and belief lose their existence. Fear itself now has no meaning. One becomes immune to pain and grief. Fantasies and past becomes the savior but slow poison of present reality still making it worse. For me a person with real depression is the person who would expect it to be the last. It may be your best friend, may be a single father of 3 working selling fruits, or just a guy living a perfect life in your opinion. It has no barriers to how it occurs, but more commonly on rejections. Example son getting kicked out of private school, rejection on a job, parents not allowing you to by a brand new cell phone, friends giving attention to someone/something else, and rejections fame or even love. Basically, it can be precisely described definitions by the economists on wants and needs. Depression can also be lead by losing something, either of materialistic or intrinsic value, let's say, soccer coach seeing his team on a 10 game losing streak and on the brink of relegation, Best friend dying in a car accident, branded wrist watch getting stolen. 

Person who's depressed can be labeled as selfish, since he gets so involved within the issues causing the depression, like a black hole, it has an effect on others around him and also drag others into it. He starts to take pity on himself rather than finding the solution or the cause or to ease the pain. Other issues don't matter anymore so getting into arguments every now and then and various other reasons. But again, you can never judge the depth and intensity of the emotion and desire which triggers depression in a person.

Physical depression for me is fake. Wearing mascara, getting tattoos and piercings, wearing makeup and listening to death metal. Person with "real" depression doesn't need it, in his mind he gets scarred over and over and over.

Pity, I won't type down the solutions to pacify depression. Basically because I don't want to lie. And what I would say, I'm pretty sure won't be something I would be implementing on myself anytime soon. So if you have a solution for someone, put them in your own shoes before making a judgment. At least this is what I would do.